It's NOT Rocket Science...It's Parenting!!!

Well...it's been awhile. Blogging does not come easy for me because it "MAKES" me sit still with my own thoughts and that can be a little scary.  ;-)

Over the past several years I have put notes together from other blogs, sermons and books about parenting in hopes of putting together my top "10 Parent Mistakes". As I have said MANY times, I teach from failure! I have made EVERY single mistake a parent can make and by the grace of God my daughter has survived and survived well!  BUT...I know I caused great hurt and damage to her that didn't have to happen if only some of the following warnings I had taken to heart.  It's not rocket science...it's parenting! And...parenting is ownership of our responsibility as parents to "grow" our babies into strong, productive, godly adults.  So when I recently read a blog entitled, Top Ten Mistakes Christian Parents of Teens Make it put into words my thoughts EXACTLY.  I don't know much about the author of the blog, Jeff Strong and therefore can't endorse everything he says. But I have emphasized and added to his top 10 and I pray it rips off some scales for you who may read this!
 

I toyed with adding number 11 (that dang cell phone internet usage and the dark hell it can bring to a teens life is huge... so consider it a subsection of #7 and lock it up at night...PLEASE!)

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10. Not spending "QUALITY" time with your teen.

A lot of parents make the mistake of not spending time with their teens because they assume their teens don’t want to spend time with them! While that’s true in some contexts, teens still want and need “chunks” of one-on-one time with parents. Despite the fact that teens are transitioning into more independence and often carry a “I don’t need/want you around” attitude, they are longing for the securing and grounding that comes from consistent quality time. Going for walks together, grabbing a coffee in order to “catch up,” going to the movies together, etc., all simple investments that teens secretly want and look forward to. When you don’t carve out time to spend with your teen, you’re communicating that you’re not interested in them, and they internalize that message, consciously or unconsciously.

9. Letting your teen’s activities take top priority for your family.

The number of parents who wrap their lives/schedules around their teen’s activities is mind-boggling to me. I honestly just don’t get it. I know many parents want to provide their children with experiences and opportunities they never had growing up, but something’s gone wrong with our understanding of family and parenting when our teen’s wants/”needs” are allowed to overwhelm the family’s day-to-day routines. Parents need to prioritize investing in their relationship with God (individually and as a couple), themselves and each other, but sadly all of these are often neglected in the name of “helping the kids get ahead.” “Don’t let the youth sports cartel run your life,” says Jen singer, author of You’re A Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either). I can’t think of many good reasons why families can’t limit teens to one major sport/extra-curricular activity per season. Not only will a frenetic schedule slowly grind down your entire family of time, you’ll be teaching your teen that “the good life” is a hyper-active one. That doesn’t align itself to Jesus’ teaching as it relates to the healthy rhythms of prayer, Sabbath, and down-time, all of which are critical to the larger Christian task of “seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).

8. Spoiling your teen.

We are all tempted to think that loving our kids means doing all we can to ensure they have all the opportunities and things we didn’t have growing up. This is a terrible assumption to make. It leads to an enormous amount of self-important, petty, and ungrateful kids. A lot of the time parents are well-intentioned in our spoiling, but our continual stream of money and stuff causes teens to never be satisfied and always wanting more. Your teen doesn’t need another piece of crap, what he needs is time and attention from you (that’s one expression of spoiling that actually benefits your teen!).

There are two things that can really set you back in life if we get them too early:

a. Access to too much money.

b. Access to too many opportunities.

Parents need to recognize they’re doing their teens a disservice by spoiling them in either of these ways. Save the spoiling for the grand kids.

7. Permissive parenting.

“Whatever” — it’s not just for teens anymore! The devil-may-care ambivalence that once defined the teenage subculture has now taken root as parents shrug their shoulders, ask, “What can you do?” and let their teens “figure things out for themselves.” I think permissive parenting (i.e., providing little direction, limits, and consequences) is on the rise because many parents don’t know how to dialogue with and discipline their children. Maybe parents don’t have any limits of boundaries within their own life, so they don’t know how to communicate the value of these to their teen. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to, because their own self-esteem is too tied up in their child’s perception of them, and they couldn’t handle having their teen get angry at them for actually trying to parent. Maybe it’s because many parents feel so overwhelmed with their own issues, they can hardly think of pouring more energy into a (potentially) taxing struggle or point of contention. Whatever the reason, permissive parenting is completely irreconcilable with a Christian view. I certainly do not advocate authoritarian parenting styles, but if we practice a permission parenting style we’re abdicating our God-given responsibility to provide guidance, nurture, limits, discipline and consequences to our teen (all of which actually help our teen flourish long-term).

6. Trying to be your teen’s best friend.

Your teen doesn’t need another friend (they have plenty); they need a parent. Even through they’re teens, your child needs a dependable, confident, godly authority figure in their life. As parents we are called to provide a relational context characterized by wisdom, protection, love, support, and empowerment. As Christian parents we’re called to bring God’s flourishing rule into our family’s life. That can’t happen if we’re busy trying to befriend our teen. Trying to be your teen’s friend actually cheats them out of having these things in their lives.  Sometimes parents think that a strong relationship with their teen means having a strong friendship—but there’s a fine line that shouldn’t be crossed. You should be friendly to your teen but you shouldn’t be your teen’s friend. They have lots of friends, they only have one or two parents—so be the parent your teen needs you to be. The friendship will develop as they become adults and mature as they do.

5. Holding low expectations for your teen.

Someone once wrote, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be, and he becomes as he can and should be.” All of us rise to the unconscious level of expectation we set for ourselves and perceive from others. During the teenage years, it’s especially important to slowly put to death the perception that your teen is still “a kid.” They are emerging leaders, and if you engage them as such, you will find that over time, they unconsciously take on this mantle for themselves. Yes, your teen can be moody, self-absorbed, irresponsible, etc., but your teen can also be brilliant, creative, selfless, and mature. Treating them like “kids” will reinforce the former; treating them as emerging leaders will reinforce the latter.

4. Not prioritizing youth group/church involvement.  (PLEASE)

This one is one of my personal pet peeves (but not just because this is my passion/calling). I simply do not understand parents who expect and want their kids to have a dynamic, flourishing, fearless faith, and yet don’t move heaven and earth to get them connected to both a youth group and local church. I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret: no teenager can thrive in their faith without these two support mechanisms. I’m not saying a strong youth group and church community is all they need, but what I am saying is that you can have everything else you think your teen needs, but without these two things, don’t expect to have a spiritually healthy and mature teen. Maybe there are teens out there who defy this claim, but honestly, I can’t think of one out of my own 31 year experience. As a parent, youth group and church involvement should be a non-negotiable part of your teen’s life, and that means they take priority over homework (do it the night before), sports, band, cheerleading or any other extra-curricular commitments. Don’t be the parent who is soft on these two commitments, but pushes their kid in schooling, sports, etc.  In general, what you sow into determines what you reap; if you want to reap a teenager who has a genuine, flourishing, fearless faith, don’t expect that to happen if you’re ok with their commitment to youth group/church to be casual and half-hearted.

3. Outsourcing your teen’s spiritual formation.

While youth group and church is very important, another mistake I see Christian parents make is assuming they can completely outsource the spiritual development of their child to these two things. I see the same pattern when it comes to Christian education: parents sometimes choose to send their children/teens to Christian schools, because by doing so they think they’ve done their parental duty to raise their child in a godly way. As a parent–and especially if you are a Christian yourself–YOU are THE key spiritual role model and mentor for your teen. And that isn’t “if you want to be” either–that’s the way it is. Ultimately, you are charged with teaching and modelling to your teen what following Jesus means, and while church, youth groups, Christian schools can be a support to that end, they are only that: support mechanisms. Read Deuteronomy 6 for an overview of what God expects from parents as it relates to the spiritual nurture and development of their children. (Hint: it’s doesn’t say, “Hand them off to the youth pastor /youth leader and bring them to church on Sunday.”)

2. Not expressing genuine love and like to your teen.

It’s sad that I have to write this one at all, but I’m convinced very few Christian parents actually express genuine love and “like” to their teen. It can become easy for parents to only see how their teen is irresponsible, failing, immature, etc., and become a harping voice instead of an encouraging, empowering one. Do you intentionally set aside time to tell your teen how much you love and admire them? Do you write letters of encouragement to them? Do you have “date nights” where you spend time together and share with them the things you see in them that you are proud of? Your teen won’t ask you for it, so don’t wait for an invitation. Everyday say something encouraging to your teen that builds them up (they get enough criticism as it is!). Pray every day for them and ask God to help you become one of the core people in your teen’s life that He uses to affirm them.

1. Expecting your teen to have a devotion to God that you are not cultivating within yourself.

Obviously Christian parents want their teen to have a thriving, dynamic, genuine, life-giving faith. What isn’t so clear, however, is whether that parent has that faith themselves. When it comes to the Christian faith, most of the time what we learn is caught and not taught. This means that even if you have the “right answers” as a parent, if you’re own spiritual walk with God is pathetic and stagnant, your teen will unconsciously follow suit. Every day you are teaching your teen (explicitly and implicitly) what discipleship to Jesus looks like “in the flesh.” What are they catching from you? Are you cultivating a deep and mature relationship with God personally, or is your Christian parenting style a Christianized version of “do as I say, not as I do”? While having a healthy and maturing discipleship walk as a parent does not guarantee your teen will follow in your footsteps, expecting your teen to have a maturing faith while you follow Jesus “from a distance” is an enormous mistake. You are a Christian before you are a Christian parent (or any other role). Get real with God, share your own struggles and hypocrisy with your entire family, and maybe then God will begin to use your example in a positive and powerful way.

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I don't take credit for every word written here but I do know that every word is true! I'm praying for parents to fight the good fight...it's so worth it!

I'm Just Sayin'

Kimberly

YES...He did it again!!!

"Christmas time is here...The most wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful time of the year! bom bom bom"

So normally, the very first time I hear that song during the start of the holiday season, I roll my eyes and say...uh huh! I'm usually in the throws of cleaning up from Thanksgiving and trying to figure out when I'm going to find time to put up the tree. (YES, I'm a purest..one holiday at a time for me.)

Since becoming a "grownup" I often dread the Christmas season and all the "trappings" it can and does bring.  The house has to be festive, the tree has to be spectacular, every party has to be attended, I must bake a butt load of sugar filled treats and I must one-up myself on the gifts I bought last year. It's enough to make a "Martha" scream"!

(Yeah the Martha from the New Testament and me)

BUT...every single year at just about the same time something or someone gets placed right in the middle of "my" Christmas chaos that slaps me right in the face.  I can look back over the years and track the timelines to almost the exact week...two weeks before Christmas. Now, if this were a Hallmark movie the story would have a jolly white haired man with an uncanny ability to show up at a moments notice and make it all better.  But... this is real life! This is not a made for TV movie and this is not fiction. THIS IS JESUS!  

Christmas after Christmas my world has been rocked by the goodness and love of Jesus Christ. One year it was a woman I met who only wanted her electric bill paid so she and her family would have heat on Christmas day. Another year it was getting a precious family into their "new to them" home just in time for Christmas. Still another year it was a very sick little girl who needed a Christmas miracle. I could go on and on and on. This year, at just the perfect time, it was an amazing single mom with three adorable young boys who gives of her own time to help others as she struggles everyday to provide for her family.  

In every situation God allowed me to meet these people and partner with others to show them love, caring and what Christmas really means. And...also in every situation God allowed me to see glimpses of His love, His heart and His plan. The over-whelming gratitude and joy of those in need humbles me to my core. It reminds me of the greatest Christmas gift ever given...For unto us is born this day a Savior who is Christ the Lord!

So, like many many years before, two weeks before Christmas day God took my focus off of me and placed it right back to the manger. I am in awe of what God did in the city of Bethlehem and what He does every day in my life.  I feel like a giddy and anxious shepherd preparing to follow that star to the birthplace of a King! I catch myself singing my favorite line of "The Hallelujah Chorus" ... And He shall reign forever and ever! 

I would like to think that maybe December 1, 2015 will be different. That maybe I'll be stress-free and not consumed with the "world's Xmas".  (HAHAHA... sorry I really just laughed out loud as I typed that) Knowing my "Type A" personality it's a VERY slim chance... but "I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels or demons, neither schedules or nasty shoppers, -not even the powers of THE MALL can separate us (me) from the Love of God that is revealed to us in Christ Jesus.(my loosely paraphrased Romans 8:38 & 39)  

I pray for each of you to have that moment when God, in the form of a baby, takes you away from the chaos and gently and lovingly brings you back to the holy night when the Savior of the world was born.

It IS the most wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful time if the year!  

Just sayin'
KJ 

SHE SAID YES!

Shew law!!! It's been just over a week and our family is still reeling from the big night of November 6, 2014 when my beautiful daughter Olivia said yes to the marriage proposal of Judson Smith.

Judd, as we call him, did it right.
He came to us even before he had purchased the...

 

The conversation between Judd, Mark and I was so honest and real that I don't think I will ever forget it. Judd, spoke of his love for Olivia and also for our family (yes, you do marry the family). He spoke of his faith and how much he has grown in the almost two years he has dated Olivia.  There was laughter and tears and pure joy when Mark looked at Judd and said "you absolutely have my blessing"!

What joy...what thankfulness... how in awe I was at that moment knowing that God had truly answered every prayer I had EVER prayed for Olivia.  He answered the prayers for her to grow up healthy, wise, strong and stunningly beautiful inside and out. He answered the prayers for a Godly, loving man to help me raise Olivia and be her earthly Daddy. He answered the prayers for her to come to know Jesus as her Lord and Savior and to learn to seek God in all decisions especially the matters of the heart. He answered the frantic prayers of a Mother who knew that some of the dating choices my daughter was making were going to hurt her. And best of all God answered the prayers of a brand new Momma over 23 years ago when I began to pray for a Godly, strong, independent, loving, fun, handsome man for Olivia to marry. I had a feeling, even then, that the boy had already been born and that he would encompass all the things that is Judson Smith.

Oh how good is our God! He truly is our provider and our hope! For many years I have prayed this verse for Olivia and now I have added Judd... 

"For I know the plans I have for Olivia & Judson,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper them and not to harm them, plans to give them hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Now we begin the fun and chaos of planning a late summer wedding. I pray now for planning wisdom and for the joy of what God has done this far to permeate every step of the planning.  It's going to be a wild year and I know my prayers will include that my daughter won't kill me before it's over.

Pray for your children...God is listening!
Just Sayin' 
KJ

...Come On!

Yesterday in the early morning hours my kind, beautiful, hilarious, life-loving, courageous, Aunt Barbara Kelly Kotmair stepped into heaven.  Barb fought a tough five year battle with cancer and WON! I say won because I know that she is seeing Jesus face to face and hearing “Well done my good and faithful servant.”

Aunt Barb is my mom’s baby sister and the youngest daughter of Virgil & Ruth Kelly’s eight children (5 boys & 3 girls). So as you can imagine after 72 years of life, she has a huge family.  Now, when most people say “family” they are referring to “immediate” family, siblings or children. Not the Kelly’s! When we say family we mean siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, cousins twice removed and so on. We stick together like super glue on fingers or bubble gum on shoes.  The Kelly’s are the loudest, craziest, most opinionated, stubborn, people in the world. But…they are also the most loving, caring, giving, hospitable, hardworking, accepting and generous people you will ever have the privilege of knowing. 

It has been our tradition over the last 11 years, due to so many of us scattered all over the United States, to have a Kelly family reunion every three years.  I can’t tell you how many times the 70+ Kelly’s have infiltrated a hotel or restaurant and total strangers will come up to us with the same question…”How can we join your family?”  The beautiful part of that is the answer is and has always been…” Come On!”  This “Come On” attitude was passed down from my grandparents. I called them Pappy & Mammy. I have heard story after story of how Pappy & Mammy would welcome people into their modest home for weeks, months and even years. The Kelly kids would bring home a friend who needed a place to stay and without question there was room made for them in the already tight quarters.  Even through my 50 years watching as boyfriends, girlfriends, new wives, new husbands and stepchildren entered “the family” the open arms and “come on” has continued. They immediately knew they were welcome and they were loved.  

The next few weeks are going to be very lonely for all of the Kelly’s until we gather on November 15^th to celebrate the beautiful life of my Aunt Barb. There will be tears and laughter. There will be stories and prayers. It will be like so many times before where we will lean on one another and hold fast to the fact that we are strong and we are family. The hardest part will be that a bright light in our family will be missing.  Aunt Barb’s infectious laugh will not be heard and her tight loving hugs will not be felt.  The loss is great but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she has now experienced absolute healing and feeling inexpressible joy!  Every promise of God is now fulfilled in her life and all sad things have become untrue.  I can just imagine that moment as Aunt Barb stepped into the awesomeness of heaven and heard the undeniable voices of my Mammy & Pappy as they smiled and said…Come on!

Just Sayin'

KJ

Freedom Through The Cancer!

It's October the "designated" Breast

Cancer emphasis month. Yes, I battled Breast Cancer from most of 2007 through 2012 with 5 rounds of Chemo (including a trial drug that almost killed me), 33 rounds of radiation and 5 years of the "hormone hell" drug Tamoxifen. Yes, it was one of the hardest times of my 50 years of life. But ... the truth is, if I had the ability to go back and skip cancer I would say NO... I wouldn't change a thing.  I know you think that I have lost my ever-lovin' mind. And, the HUNDREDS of times I have had the opportunity to make that statement to others I get  the same reaction.  

You see Breast Cancer stripped away the things that were keeping me from absolute freedom.  First, it took the ridiculous idea that I was IN CONTROL. It showed me that no matter how much I had planned and organized my life I didn't account for a lumpectomy on May 25, 2007 with a stage 2 cancer diagnosis and all that followed.

Second, Breast Cancer took my PRIDE. On August 6, 2007 I stood in front of my bathroom mirror with one breast mangled from surgery and watched as my strong hunk of a husband shaved my head as tears poured down both of our faces. It was a surreal moment for us as a couple. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was more than a head of thick beautiful hair that, by the way, had been my "crowing glory" most of my life. I had, since high school, been the girl with the fabulous hair. I had some cockamamie belief that all that hair was hiding all my flaws from the rest of the world.

Lastly, Breast Cancer took away any DOUBT that God was real and that He was faithful! Nothing slaps mortality in your face like a life threatening disease. I had to completely rely on the God I had talked about and prayed to and hoped was real.  I spent days feeling like I had been hit by a Mac Truck wrapped up in a soft blanket and combing through chapter upon chapter of my Bible. Resting in God's word as it covered and comforted me.  Those days were hard but so sweet. God held me so tenderly and sent angel after angel in the form of friends and family to care for me physically, mentally and spiritually.   

As crazy as it sounds I count those days as some of the best days of my life.  They brought me absolute freedom! Freedom to rely on God for my every need. Freedom to trust Him with my healing and provision. And... freedom to believe that even if I was not going to be healed in this life Jesus had selflessly already provided my way to the next.  

I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy but I do pray that each and everyone of you come to know the sweetness and the freedom of letting go and letting God have you completely!

Psalm 59:16 "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for You (God) are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble!"

Freedom is Fabulous!

Just Sayin'
KJ

I Don't Care! (The post that started it all)

Last week during lunch with a friend a conversation we began about life and love took a "spiritual" turn. (Most of my conversations usually do.) I posted a portion of that conversation on Facebook that afternoon.  It was "the" post that began this blogging idea.  I feel that for reference I need to add it to my blog.  
Feel free to share. :-)
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October 16, 2014

I had a friend ask me today 
where I stood on Calvinism and predestination. I looked at him, smiled and said I stand on Jesus! He looked at me confused and asked me what I meant? I told him exactly what I feel... and that is... I DON'T CARE! I don't care if it was or was not predestined for me to follow Jesus. I don't care if I "really" had no say in the matter. I don't give a flying flip if anyone and I mean anyone does or does not believe in predestination BECAUSE I solely stand on Jesus and the Gospel. 

I KNOW that Jesus died for MY sins. I KNOW the Holy Spirit lives in me and guides me every moment of every day. AND I know that when my time on earth is over I WILL spend eternity in heaven with my Savior! 

So... WHEN I'm in Heaven and God ask the "big" question of "Why Should I Let You Into My Heaven" ....trust me... my only answer will be JESUS!

Just Sayin'

KJ

First Blog Ever... WHAT????

Hello My Friends,

Yes...Although kicking and screaming, I have entered the blogging world. Never in a million years did I think I had anything worth sharing to the world. Yes, I am vocal (watch it!) and yes somewhat opinionated but blogging????

Well, a recent "soap box" I jumped on while on Facebook prompted a ton of messages to me about blogging. I laughed at first and then began to pray about it. Do I have wisdom from life experiences to share? Can what I have been through in my life help/change others?

So... here I am... a 50 year old, Jesus follower, wife to my mediator/tractor driving husband, mother of an independent almost 24 year old mini-me, daughter of Bob & Jan the "super couple", former bitter divorcee, recovering legalistic Christian, over-the-hill passionate youth volunteer, 7 year breast cancer survivor, PR guru, swing band singer and one incredibly blessed chick!

It's un-telling what you will get from me on a given post. It may make you laugh or it may really tick you off! But I can promise you this, it will be honest, real and full of mistakes. Yep...mistakes because I am an imperfect soul with a perfect Savior and in the end... that's all that matters!

Just Sayin'

KJ